Heartbreak sucks.

OK, so I know I said I wasn't going to "get too personal" on here, but...I just feel so crappy I have to put it down SOMEwhere and I feel bad for all my friends that have to listen to me bitch and moan about this shit non-stop. (Even though they're the only ones reading this anyhow.) And I know there's nothing anyone can say that will make me feel better (and "god" bless them, they try, and I love the hell out of them for it).

So yes. I've had my heart broken. There is no mention of this relationship on this blog. There was one tiny post about it once, but I deleted it the moment it went south.

Anyway, here's the thing. It wasn't a long relationship by any means, in fact it lasted about a month and half...and I barely saw him in that time as he lived 5 hours away. (Though, now that I'm NOT with him, he's conveniently moved to the same city. Great.) But regardless of that, I fell for him. Hard. Like nothing I've had since I lost Little. I came close once, but the feelings weren't reciprocated, so it didn't get to this point.

With this one...they WERE reciprocated...at least I THOUGHT they were. Now it feels like it was all bullshit. I don't THINK it was, but it feels that way. I talked to him every day, sometimes for 5+ hours and learned to much about him that I never knew (I've know him about 6 years), and which made me like him so much more than I ever thought possible. And he was (is?) a good guy, a really good guy, I thought I was safe. I was more worried I was going to fall into this same pattern I have been of losing the feelings and then having to let HIM down.

That's not entirely true. I could tell how much I liked him right away, I even said to him I was afraid of getting my heart broken. That hasn't happened in awhile. I knew I was vulnerable, I knew it would happen. But him telling me he thought I would break his heart made me feel better. Made me think he really felt the same way.

Lucky me, I finally fall for a guy and am able to move past Little to really GO for it. To let him in and...and let myself...love him. And what happens? He's got his own "Little," his own ex that he can't get out of his system. Someone I know he loves (and she loves him), but they're probably just going to end up hurting each other again (just like I did/do with Little). Meanwhile, he could have been happy with me! I mean, okay, it's certainly possible it wouldn't work out given more time, but to have it cut off at the knees at a point where we still really had something, without even seeing it through, really sucks.

We're still trying to be friends. And I REALLY want this (I never see the point in becoming close to someone, learning so much about them and vice versa, just to toss it away because you're not going to "date" anymore), but now I'm not sure I can. I'm not sure I'll even be ALLOWED to. It seems he's on the verge of getting back together with his ex, and I can't imagine she'll be cool with him hanging out with me alone (or even with other friends), and I don't think I could handle seeing him with her.

And the thing that's killing me more than anything is that he's already over me. It's true. I asked him. I just can't believe that! It hurts so much! Fine, you can't be with me because you're still in love with someone else, I get that, 100%. But really, all that shit that he felt for me is GONE? Already? A few weeks (ok, maybe a month) later? It's not like we've had NO contact since then, so he could forget about me. Here I am, replaying all the really awesome moments between us and it makes this awful pressure in my chest and I have to take deep breaths to try to get rid of it.

And sometimes I feel like I'm crazy for feeling this way. Am I some crazy stalker or something? Is it weird that I feel this strongly for someone I dated so briefly? Especially considering he's over it already?

I've got these texts saved from him...really sweet things...it fucking kills me to read them, but will I delete them? No. I like to hurt myself apparently. But I need them to prove to myself that this wasn't a one-sided thing. That this wasn't all in my head, so I don't think I'm a nut-job.

I went out on a fucking date last week and then fucking called him on my way home. Gah! I'm an idiot.

But so is he. I would've been a fucking awesome girlfriend. I would have treated him fucking great. I already do.

This hurts so bad. The only good thing to come of it has been that it's helped with my friendship with Little. I'm too upset about someone else to be pouting about Little, so we can be just friends.

Ouch.

The End.

PS I probably shouldn't have posted this, as I gave him the URL while we were still seeing each other. But he probably won't read it anyhow. He barely looked at it when he liked me, I can't imagine he would now that he doesn't.